Category Archives: No. 30

Earthquake Hits Chile, U.S. out of Fundraising Ideas

SANTIAGO, CHILE—The earthquake that ravaged Chile this week has left millions of philanthropists confused. After contributing all their efforts to Haiti, people seem to have no charitable spunk left. After countless bakesales, Hulu ads, piggy-bank smashings, and illegal bootleggings for Haiti, people just don’t have any money left to give to Chile – or, for that matter, the desire to do so. CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4

Student Voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ Already Failing

EVANSTON—Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.” In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best

UChicago Sends Rejected Applicants “Congratulation” Letters

CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago. Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of

Blagojevich Advises Paterson On How To Cash In On Publicity

Evanston, IL- Prompted by the recent success of Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich’s talk about ethics at Northwestern University, New York governor David Paterson has decided to host a seminar about the importance of vision in government. Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get