Earthquake Hits Chile, U.S. out of Fundraising Ideas

SANTIAGO, CHILE—The earthquake that ravaged Chile this week has left millions of philanthropists confused. After contributing all their efforts to Haiti, people seem to have no charitable spunk left. After countless bakesales, Hulu ads, piggy-bank smashings, and illegal bootleggings for Haiti, people just don’t have any money left to give to Chile – or, for that matter, the desire to do so.

CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4 chile, donate now on our website” and “Chile is sooo the new Haiti.”

In spite of their efforts, the response has been lukewarm from evangelical Christians and bleeding-heart liberals alike.

“’NU Stands With Chile’ doesn’t really flow as well,” said Northwestern Haiti relief chair, Jacob Shmarts. “Plus, I heard the quake wasn’t even THAT bad, so it’s off our backs, right?”

The spirit that united the world when the earthquake hit Haiti has quickly dissolved, as has media coverage of the catastrophic event. Furthermore, recording artists spent all their creative energy on Haiti, so they have nothing to give to Chile.

“The re-recording of ‘We Are The World’ did a lot of great things for iTunes (and Haiti, too, I suppose), but now that Miley’s back on top, it will be hard for another philanthropic musical endeavor to be groundbreaking enough to show up on the charts.” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said.

Still, President Obama is inspiring Americans everywhere to think positively.

“My fellow Americans — I have been deeply moved by the compassion and drive I witnessed fueling the fundraising efforts a few short weeks ago when the quake hit Port-au-Prince. But, I am moved even deeper by your thoughts and prayers that go to Chile. I hope it means a lot to them.”

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