BERLIN—This past Sunday, German Chancellor Angela Merkel held a special rally to announce that Germany’s WWI debts had officially been paid off, and her nation’s conscience could now rest easy. Raucous applause was cut short, however, when an aide frantically rushed onstage to inform Merkel that Germany had, in fact, been involved another major conflict since Armistice Day, 1917.
“Why was I not told?” Chancellor Merkel reportedly hissed, as her supporters frantically began to murmur amongst themselves. “Did we win? No? Well, how much do we owe?”
Initial tallies put the estimate at 6.8 billion Euros, a steep increase over the 1.2 billion Euro reparations for WWI. Immediately following these revelations, NATO spokesman Sam Unkle called an emergency press conference.
“In light of the fact that we apparently kicked Germany’s ass in this ‘second’ world war,” Unkle began, reading from a carefully drafted statement, “NATO is forced to levy hilariously outrageous reparations against its former ally. However, to make this burden easier for the German people to bear, NATO is pleased to announce a relief bill, known as the ‘Bulk Discount Program’.”
Under the provisions of the bill, the 15-Euro fee for each civilian death will be discounted by 2% for every 10 million Russians brutally slaughtered.
Reaction to the NATO announcement was swift. Chancellor Merkel thanked NATO for its benevolence and mercy, but German opposition leader Adenoid Hynkel was not so kind, seizing the event as an opportunity to promote his own agenda.
“Chancellor Merkel shall be the death of our glorious nation,” Hynkel told reporters, confidently posing in front of the Reichstag as three separate artists drew his portrait. “She is a western stooge, and these inferior, foreign powers have no right to make us pay for an incident that I don’t even remember!”
Despite the presence of such strict opposition to the measure, NATO has urged restraint on the part of Americans, who are worried that Germany might take another 90 years to pay their debt.
“Above all else,” Sam Unkle stated at the close of his press conference, “I want to make it clear that NATO has full faith in the German people. Germans have shown time and again that they are a rational and responsible people, especially when they have been financially ruined by a foreign nation.”