EVANSTON—Inspectors from the US Food Safety and Inspection Service found traces of the MDMA, colloquially known as “ecstasy,” “E,” or “X,” in the hot cookie bar during a routine inspection of the 1835 Hinman dining hall this Sunday. Dining hall employees were immediately taken into custody and questioned about the findings.
“All we wanted was to be the most popular dining hall on campus,” Linda Johnson, Hinman cookie-bar chef, said. “You see, there’s a competition between all the dining halls to see who can get the most traffic each week. All the workers at the losing dining hall have to do the winners’ laundry for the next week. We just thought putting ecstasy in the cookies would bring in the students in droves and we wouldn’t have to do laundry. We had no idea it would get so out of hand.”
After the discovery of the illegal drugs, the FSIS announced that the hot cookie bar would be shut down permanently. As many as 500 students immediately began protesting outside of Hinman, setting up tents and marching with signs with slogans such as “Free HCB!” and “Give me cookie bar or give me death!”
“This is completely unacceptable,” said protester Jessica Henry, a Weinberg sophomore. “I wait all week, every week for the hot cookie bar, and if I have to stop eating it cold-turkey there’s going to be hell to pay. I’m already starting to feel anxious and irritable without it. I’m beginning to have difficulty breathing.”
School officials have announced intentions to begin facilitating hot cookie bar rehab centers on campus, but many students refuse to believe the hot cookie bar will really be discontinued.
When a Hinman employee opened the door to the dining hall to leave for the night, protesters rushed the door and forced their way into the dining hall, screaming, throwing chairs and waving pitchforks. Somehow in the confusion of the riot one of the cookie bar ovens caught fire, quickly spreading to the rest of the building. Rather than running from the flames however, many students remained behind, sniffing the fumes from the oven. A body count has yet to be released.