Category Archives: No. 42
Entire Sorority Evidently Really Into Mountaineering
Titles For Crappy Academic Papers: An Investigation Into Why They’re Always In This Stupid Format And Have Convoluted Subtitles That Blather On All Goddamn Day
Mourners Can’t Get Over How Badass Paul’s Death By Scorpion Was
Ecstasy Discovered in Hot Cookie Bar, Riots Ensue
It’s like “special” brownies, but the cookie version.
Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve
COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t
Howard Dean Disappoints Debate Crowd With Lack Of Funny Noises
In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.
GBFF Found Cheatinnnn
EVANSTON—Twelve girls were horrified last Thursday to discover that Lazarus, their “GBFF” (or “gay best friend forever”), was not only on BFF status with all of them but is also not even gay. “That tramp is bisexual,” exclaimed girl #4. “I saw him hooking up with some chick at PIKEtoberfest… fucking skank.” Lazarus is being accused of not only swearing BFF allegiance via text to each of these ladies, but also spoiling them to numerous Facebook wall posts and Evanston
Stefan Demos: A Biography
EVANSTON—As your resident sports-illiterate — or perhaps, more lovingly, the new “area sports girlfriend” — I find that the task has fallen on me to ask you all a question that has been weighing heavily on my mind due to recent articles in both our wonderful Flipside and other, lesser Northwestern newspapers alike: who the hell is Demos? His name, along with a rather unflattering action shot (seriously, why are all sports photos so unflattering?), appeared in the headline of
SEED Lets Clothes Air-Dry; Global Warming Solved
EVANSTON—SEED, or Students for Ecological and Environmental Development, ended the problem of global warming Sunday, Oct. 10, by hanging up the laundry outside Norris University Center. “This was a very unexpected result!” exclaimed SEED member Ann Temnoriv. “I think it had something to do with the fact that the clothes were hung up in the shape of a giant 350.” Dropping temperatures across the northern United States and Canada confirmed SEED’s suspicion. In the last week alone, many Northwestern students