Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve

COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left.

“To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said.

The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t believe hadn’t been solved.

“I mean, we were in there for a long time. A really, really long time. How did you guys not figure that shit out?” Mike Fernandez, the last miner to be rescued, commented.

The miners are now dealing with a cultural shock of a world that is actually worse than the one they left in July.

“I don’t know, maybe being trapped in a dark hole with hardly any contact with the outside world, claustrophobic conditions, and little food turned us into optimists, but the world is definitely not what we expected it to be,” Rodriguez said.

Miners also listed Justin Bieber and Silly Bandz as phenomena they couldn’t believe were still relevant.

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