Author Archives: Clare Roth

Norris’s Broken Golden Tee Arcade Game Leaves NU Despondent

EVANSTON — The Golden Tee arcade game located in the ground floor of Norris has fallen into disrepair, sending shock waves through Northwestern and leaving 8,000 students unsure of how to spend their time. “It was just such a big part of how I spent my weekends, you know?” said Angela Smith, sophomore Communication major. “What am I supposed to do now, play non-archaic video games, or even worse, go out and drink or something?” The game, located in the

History Teacher a Real Dickwad for Scheduling Test the Monday after Halloween Weekend

By Harry Barbash, Sophomore Economics Major What the fuck, Professor Donaghy? Do you have any idea what happened this last weekend? You think there was time to study for a midterm about the Celts in the 11th century? Because there sure as shit was not. Let’s start with the obvious. Halloween is the peak time for drunken revelry. Halloween just sweetens the crowded-apartment-party pot. Hookups become even more anonymous as you grind up on whatever masked person’s behind you. Alcohol

ASG Changes Something or Other; NU Students Continue to Not Give a Shit

Wednesday, ASG President Claire Lew announced that they were changing something about something they do once more, sending waves of apathy through Northwestern. “Wait, exactly what again does ASG do?” said sophomore Mark Raynor, in response to the complete overhaul or structural reform or whatever the hell they decided to make different. Lew says this will completely revitalize/rejuvenate/switch how the organization will handle/delegate/petition students/faculty/Evanston citizens. “Northwestern blah blah blah connection blah blah relationship blah blah blah,” she said in a

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Four Teens Lost in Hollister for Better Part of Day

[by Cla4732] Due to a lack of all natural and artificial light, two boys and two girls who had gone on a double mall date ended up wandering around Hollister for four hours yesterday. Sources report that the pounding music and overpowering smell of cologne added to their disorientation. While Amanda and Chris groped through racks of sequins and preschool-sized jeans, Joey and Suzie groped each other, furiously making out 3 feet from their companions. After finding the exit with

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Long-Term Couple Breaks It Off After Three Weeks

[by Cla4732] EVANSTON – In a breakup that shook Haven Middle School girls’ faith in love and sent shockwaves throughout the seventh grade class, “it” couple Brett Flores and Bianca Tobin have broken off their almost-month-long relationship, the longest Haven’s seventh grade had seen. The breakup came after Brett IMed Bianca “Brett + Bianca = 69”, after which Bianca sent the crushing reply, “we R thru.” Sources close to the couple could confirm that while the couple had yet to

« Older Entries