Category Archives: No. 52

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] OMG, Guys, You *HAVE* to Watch Schindler’s List! It Has Tits!

by xtrasooperdood GUYS! You guys! You won’t believe it! C’mon! Okay, you guys are NOT. Fuckin’. Gonna. Believe it. Last night my parents made me watch a movie with them; it was some fuckin’ black and white movie. Gay shit, amirite? Yeah, I know! But listen, this movie had more tits than you could shake your dick at – NO, DAN, I’M NOT FUCKING LYING! No, I don’t know what it was about – I was on AIM the whole

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] An Anthropological Translation of an AIM Conversation

by b4113rh4113r sWeEtIeBABI444: Hey radsportsdude69: hi sWeEtIeBABI444: How’s it going? radsportsdude69: nm u? sWeEtIeBABI444: uhhh… I’m just chillinnnnn :) radsportsdude69: hoo is this? sWeEtIeBABI444: Katie, frm Math radsportsdude69: Oh, hey radsportsdude69: sup? sWeEtIeBABI444: not much. I already asked you that ;) radsportsdude69 : oh yeah lol sWeEtIeBABI444: Wat u up to tonight? radsportsdude69: nm u? sWeEtIeBABI444: lol I’m hanging out with some friends. we jst watched the ring lol radsportsdude69: I kno, shes so hot. I dnt kno y she

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Four Teens Lost in Hollister for Better Part of Day

[by Cla4732] Due to a lack of all natural and artificial light, two boys and two girls who had gone on a double mall date ended up wandering around Hollister for four hours yesterday. Sources report that the pounding music and overpowering smell of cologne added to their disorientation. While Amanda and Chris groped through racks of sequins and preschool-sized jeans, Joey and Suzie groped each other, furiously making out 3 feet from their companions. After finding the exit with

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] I Can Do Anything I Want (But Mom’s Picking Me Up at 5)

Hey, Chris, wassup? Excited to hang out later? Oh, Jesus, dude, don’t call it a fucking playdate- ’cause we’re not sixth graders anymore, that’s why! Huh, what’s that? Your parents won’t let you go to the mall by yourself? Jesus Christ, dude, we’re thirteen! They can’t tell us what to do! And we sure as hell don’t need them! Now grow some fucking balls, call your mom, and demand that she drive us to the mall! You need to be

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Fab 5 Becomes Fab 4 After Susie Gets Braces

EVANSTON – The whole social order of Northshore Middle School changed dramatically the day Susie Donalds got her braces. She had apparently been keeping her impending defacement a secret, so it came as quite a shock to her former “bffeaeae” (translated from 7th grade speak, this means “best friends forever and ever and ever”), members of the “Fab 5” clique Tiffany, Brittany, Barbie and Kelly. “We just, like, didn’t know what to do,” clique leader Tiffany told us. “It was

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Gabby and Ariel’s Social Calendar is, like, totally filled with Bat Mitzvahs

Gabby and Ariel are, like, totally the hottest JAPs at school. They only wear Marc Jacobs, and they get invited to EVERY Bat Mitzvah. G + A (as they call themselves) spend the Saturday morning services taking trips to the bathroom to gossip and flirting with the boys from different schools across the room. Between the service and the party, G + A are very busy making a “kissing web” that shows who everyone in the school has kissed. They

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Long-Term Couple Breaks It Off After Three Weeks

[by Cla4732] EVANSTON – In a breakup that shook Haven Middle School girls’ faith in love and sent shockwaves throughout the seventh grade class, “it” couple Brett Flores and Bianca Tobin have broken off their almost-month-long relationship, the longest Haven’s seventh grade had seen. The breakup came after Brett IMed Bianca “Brett + Bianca = 69”, after which Bianca sent the crushing reply, “we R thru.” Sources close to the couple could confirm that while the couple had yet to

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