Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes

EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team.

“The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized it’s absolutely unreasonable for us to expect people who got a 2200 on the SAT to be good at football. It just doesn’t make sense!”

The Athletic Department is currently in the process of deciding which state school to recruit players from. “As long as our players do not attend or never will attend Northwestern, Northwestern might just have a shot at the Rose Bowl this year,” Harrison said.

The soon-to-be-former Northwestern footballers will still get to play games. An exhibition match against the Evanston Middle School football team is scheduled for Friday at 6PM.

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