EVANSTON – Northwestern University sent out an emergency alert on Monday after a man was seen gratifying himself in the showers in the men’s locker room at Henry Crown Sports Pavilion & Aquatic Center.
Two juveniles reported that they heard the self-satisfied moans of the rogue gratifier as he told himself what a “sick workout” he had just completed. “It was really freaky,” explained one of the bystanders, “he just stood there, naked, in the shower, congratulating himself on his new personal squat record.” The witnesses reportedly asked the man to stop patting himself on the back, but that only egged on him on. “Let’s see you kids lift that much weight,” he purportedly exclaimed, “I deserve a nice long sauna session after that one!”
The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more. He wouldn’t stop gushing about the 7 minute mile he had just run or the size of the steak he was going to eat.” The witness then described the climax of the self-gratification: “All of a sudden, his body went very stiff, and he then flexed his biceps brashly. “I remember he shouted out a loud ‘YEAH!’ followed by an exuberant, ‘Check out how SWOLE I am!'”
The university report stated that the witnesses could not provide a detailed description of the man. “They described him as muscled, half-naked, and arrogant,” a university representative explained, “which narrows it down to the entirety of North Campus.”