Wile E. Coyote’s Guide to Navigating Cliffs

By Wile E. Coyote

As the premiere expert on falling off cliffs, I’d like to offer Americans some advice in these confusing times. I speak from the countless times I’ve fallen off a cliff in pursuit of happiness, which to me comes in the form of a tough game bird that would run around even when it is perfectly capable of flight. If your idea of happiness involves a balanced budget that reduces government deficit, written by congressmen who say nothing but “beep-beep,” you will find my experience most valuable.

One thing people always forget about falling off cliffs is that you don’t actually fall down until you realize that you’ve already run past the cliff. A good strategy to cope with cliffs is to deny that you’ve ran past them: let the delusion keep you afloat. So pretend that this whole fiscal cliff deal is not real. Repeat to yourself that America is still the greatest nation with a totally functional budgetary process. Until you’re tired of lying to yourself, you should be fine.

You may feel a strong urge to rely on giant corporations to fix problems for you. While private corporations such as ACME have provided jobs and innovative products, they have also frequently shown that consumer interest is far behind profit in their priorities. We must keep in mind that a part of the mess we are in right now came from catastrophic failures of corporations behaving irresponsibly.

The odds are likely that once you’ve run past the cliff, the fall will happen eventually. The fall itself is harmless; in fact, I find the sensation of zero-gravity rather entertaining. What really hurts is the crash. You might find yourself at the bottom of a small crater. You might be unconscious. But regardless of how awful that crash was, come next week’s show, you’ll still be the same coyote you were before the crash. So keep your chin up. Before you know it, it will be next fiscal year.

Wile E. Coyote, Nemesis ridiculii, is a long, slim, sick and sorry-looking skeleton, a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is the author of The Wiley One: My Life and the Pursuit of the Elusive Bird.

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