SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck.

Just as Martín Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby Louis room.

“No!” Natalie screamed. “I cannot let you be confirmed, for you are mi hijo!”

Lobos, dumbstruck, dropped his ASG-funded non-single-use gavel and stared into his mother’s eyes as tears began to form in his. Time stood still as madre and hijo rushed towards each other, until Leticia Perdigón senator from el CRC stood up and spoke.

“Martín may be your son, but he is my lover,” the woman professed. “That’s right,” she continued, “Martín and I are in love, and there’s nothing any of you can do to change how we feel!”

“It is true, mother,” Lobos proclaimed, stopping short. “We have been in love for over a month now, and I can no longer hide it! She has my corazón all to herself.”

The story might have ended there, but the saga continued. The door to the senate burst open unexpectedly for the second time that noche, this time bringing a saddened man before the senate.

“Me llamo es Federico Álvarez De Toledo, and I am Leticia’s husband,” he pronounced.

A few sharp cries rang out in la Sala del Noroeste, before a silence fell as thick as the stupor induced by politically-incorrect tequila. You could cut the tension with a machete. All eyes were on Leticia as hers darted left and right, back and forth between Federico and Martín.

“It’s true,” she said, solemnly. “Federico is my husband of four years, but we have grown so distant… My eyes now are for only Martín!”

“As are mine!” Federico declared. “We have been lovers for the past year.”

And with that, Federico strode up to where Martín was standing and kissed him passionately on the lips. They embraced for two entire seconds before Martín shoved Federico away, a disgusted look on his face.

“What are you doing?!” Martín asked, confused. “I don’t even know who any of you are. Or what I’m doing here. What the hell is going on?”

“¡Ay dios mio!” Natalie yelled. “He must have amnesia!”

Join us next week, when ASG still won’t confirm anyone to be Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion.