WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY — Local Jews preparing for Yom Kippur services have announced that in honor of their day of repentance (one of the holiest days of the Jewish calendar), they will actually exert the effort to not dwell on the shallow, transient difficulties of life that most other peoples of the world allow to pass without comment.
Outside of Rochester’s Sinai Congregation synagogue, local Jew Zach Goldberg offered an explanation for the movement:
“Some Jews consider the art of the complaint to be a natural and valid form of conversation, but non-Yids get a bit annoyed with the endless whining. When you’re constantly complaining about things your conversational partner wasn’t present to observe and can’t do anything to change, they might start to feel that you’re not interested in them as a person, just as an audience.”
“I’m trying really hard to show some restraint,” Goldberg continued, “but it’s not easy. I’ve been in a really grumpy mood all day since I’m fasting and I woke up with this weird ache in my back and shit, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
Sinai Congregation’s rabbi praised the movement in his sermon, inviting the congregation to follow the example set by fellow members Aaron Farber, who didn’t complain to co-workers that his $80,000 Audi had received a $20 parking ticket, and Rebecca Morton, who graciously allowed a waitress to reheat her lukewarm meal without demanding to see a manager or mentally docking her server’s tip by 8 percent.
Exit polls indicate that the sermon was considered to be a rousing success, with only 62% of attendees later telling friends and family that their rabbi had been “such a pompous bore.”
At approximately 11:39 AM, however, the “Stop Complaining” movement abruptly ended. Facebook and Twitter immediately lit up with reports that Jews were officially sick of fasting, and were really really hungry. They just thought you should know.