Technological Institute Makes Plans to Secede From the University

EVANSTON – The Dean of the Robert R. McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science, Dr. Ottino, recently announced the possible secession of the Technological Institute, more commonly referred to as “Tech.”

“There has always been a fundamental divide between Tech and [Northwestern]. Tech is a building large enough to house several medium sized liberal arts colleges as well as the entire population of Zimbabwe.” Dr. Ottino continued, “We have the facilities to support a world class university all on our own, and after the J wing is complete, there will be no real reason to remain associated with Northwestern.”

When asked about the possible secession of Tech, Billy Stern, a junior theater major in the School of Communication, responded, “Wait, you mean that big building way up north? Isn’t that part of the University of Chicago?”

Dr. Ottino also commented on the direction in which he would like to take Northwestern Tech. “Our goal will be to provide a top-notch education in the Midwest without our students ever needing to set foot outside. We expect our enrollment to increase exponentially each year and we will eventually expand our facilities by adding wings O through Z, excluding letters R and V for no particular reason.”

There has been some concern regarding the fate of the walkways connecting Tech to other University buildings. Dr. Ottino assured that there was no reason to worry and that “we will burn those bridges when we get to them.”

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