Schapiro Vows to Build Theme Park on Campus

EVANSTON — President Morton Schapiro held a press conference to announce that planning had begun for a theme park located on the Evanston campus of Northwestern University.

“When I was a kid, I had always dreamed of constructing and owning an extravagant theme park, and now I can achieve that dream as the president of a billion-dollar institution,” said Schapiro, who has served as vice president for planning at the University of Southern California and president of Williams College. “USC and Williams wouldn’t let me go through with it, but nobody is getting in my way this time. Nobody.”

The theme park, which has yet to have a name or theme, will be located in the heart of the Evanston campus. “We noticed that we were leasing out land in the geographic center of that campus to some church or something,” said Schapiro. “We’re going to have our lawyers find a way out of that, and then we’ll have a big plot of land for construction.”

Schapiro addressed concerns regarding the cost of the park, saying, “I know it sounds like upkeep for an entire theme park would be a lot of money, but I’ve ensured that it will remain free to all students thanks to a 5% increase in yearly tuition. In terms of initial building costs, I’ve been able to get some very interested investors from both Koreas. We also learned that we could save a lot of money by having McCormick students design the rides. And then we realized we could save even more money by having SESP students design the rides, so we did that.”

While Schapiro provided no official name for the theme park, he did contribute several ideas that had arisen in discussion. “We all really like the idea of paying homage to someone important to Northwestern University, so we’re putting strong consideration into ‘Fitzerworld’ and ‘That Theme Park at That College Where Stephen Colbert and Skyler from Breaking Bad Went’.”

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