By John Evans, Northwestern’s Founder and Evanston’s Namesake

I don’t like to play favorites, but I fucking hate ungrateful assholes, and I’m here to set the record straight. I gotta say that you pricks at Northwestern haven’t done shit to honor my legacy as the greatest motherfucker in the second half of the second millennium. (The greatest motherfucker of all time being Genghis Khan, of course.)

I founded two universities in my lifetime: your sorry-ass school and the baller University of Denver. Let’s compare; who’s been paying their dues properly?

What has Northwestern named after me? A tiny-ass building on south campus and a town for rich yuppies that was dry until the seventies. Christ. You know what they named after me in Colorado? A mountain. A 14,000 foot hunk of raw rock and fuck you to the sky. Hell yeah. Oh, and the S.S. John Evans. That’s a goddamn WWII liberty ship that, I presume, was pretty much the naval version of Inglorious Basterds. Awesome.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot, there’s one more thing you ingrates named after me: the John Evans Committee! They should be building statues of me and providing scholarships to the future badasses of America. Nope. Y’all turn around and make it all about tearing me down over shit that happened over a century and a half ago. Statute of limitations, dipshits. Look it up.

How dare you complain about the money I sent you just because some of it might have been a little shady? To quote the poet Lil’ Wayne: “I’m just out here doing what I got to do for me and you / and we eating / so bitch, why the fuck is you tripping?” Preach.

This obsession with century-old events is total bullshit. Why can’t you focus on the things that are worth caring about, like how great I was? I wasn’t any more racist than my friend Abe Lincoln, and at least I knew how to dodge a bullet.