Encouraging Evidence Suggests Most College Athletes Can Read

COLUMBUS, OH — Countless people exhaled sighs of joyful satisfaction last week when a research study actually discovered something positive about the world. After months of research, a CNN team has proudly announced that some college athletes read at an elementary school level.

In recent years, many have voiced concerns about the weakness of academic requirements for NCAA athletes. Many believe they should be held to the same standards as their non-athlete peers. The findings of the CNN team are being widely viewed as direct evidence against the views of the opposition.

“This could be the death blow to people who oppose college sports,” proclaimed NCAA spokesperson Jeff Smithmeyer. “That study was just full of great stats. I mean, we have athletes reading as well as fifth graders. I’ll be honest, before they published all this I really didn’t think any of our football players could read. The NCAA would like to thank CNN for all they’ve done for us.”

Skeptics are still concerned, however. Many have pointed out that the researchers only reviewed athletes in major revenue sports such as football and basketball. Independent researchers have confirmed that some swimmers can count past twenty, which once again cast a negative light on the basketball and football players.

According to an anonymous email traced back to the Ohio State locker rooms, “Im [sic] smart and noone [sic] can tell me difrent [sic]. these [sic] siencers [sic?] dont [sic] know nothing [sic] bout [sic] football. go [sic] bak [sic] 2 the labratory [sic].” A child psychologist later explained that he was trying to explain that he has confidence in his own intellect and wishes that scientists and researchers would leave athletes alone.

Urban Meyer refused to comment.

About the Author

Jordan Villanueva
Jordan enjoys watching Lizzie McGuire reruns on Sundays while eating stale bread with his grandmother's ashes. They add a certain flavor similar to cardamom and not dissimilar to cumin. However, Jordan's favorite spice is actually nutmeg because it reminds him of long winter nights in Argentina. It was in Argentina where Jordan worked as a nude model at the Universidad de Buenos Aires. It was in Buenos Aires that he met the love of his life, Lolita, but she tragically left him to return to Canada. Broken-hearted, Jordan now devotes himself to his work with the Northwestern Flipside and his YouTube cooking show.

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