Public Outraged That Louisiana Hillbilly Has Negative Views Towards Gays; Robertson’s Feelings Hurt

WEST MONROE, LA — Public outrage has been mounting against the recently reinstated star of Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, for his remarks declaring all homosexuals are sinners. In fact, the Louisiana hunter has found himself facing slanders, slurs, and other kinds of discrimination on a daily basis.

“Robertson has definitely reached the same status as Beyoncé, Barack Obama, and other influential Americans whose words hold great power,” said Tulane junior Antoînette Poppington of Scarsdale, NY. “He must know that millions of kids look up to him as a role model. It’s only right that we deny him basic rights until he sees the error of his ways.”

Robertson’s words have spurred a national conversation about tolerance towards all different cultures, lifestyles, and religions.

“I’m baffled why Mr. Robertson never bothered to explore the different communities that surely exist in West Monroe,” remarked UCLA sophomore Quincy LaFleur of San Francisco. “Growing up, there was always a friend’s Bar Mitzvah I was invited to, or an Indian cultural museum holding an event. On weekends I would make it a point to visit the Rainbow District to meet new and diverse people.”

“Not that I’m gay, of course,” LaFleur quickly added.

Robertson’s community has been affected by the outrage against him. “Everybody’s on my case, the UN’s threatening to boycott my company, Putin said I’m no longer welcome at the Kremlin, and my wife’s hairdresser will no longer see her,” he confided in a private interview with The Flipside. “I feel completely marginalized by people who know absolutely nothing about me or my life experience.”

But Robertson has tried to reach out to the gay community in an attempt for reconciliation. “I’ve tried wearing my hair a different way, and I’m letting my son play soccer. Maybe we could host a barbecue. I’m sure I can find a soy duck somewhere.”

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