THE HEAVENS — Thinking it was about time He better “make a big splash,” God, the One who molded the mountains and forged the rivers in our great universe, officially announced last week that beloved Evanston eatery, Edzo’s Burger Shop, would now be open for dinner.
“Well, you could say I’ve been riding a bit of a hot streak lately, what with weed going up for sale and all that,” said the Alpha and Omega, relaxing on His heavenly throne and taking a mighty sip from His 64 oz. Big Gulp. “And I was sitting around with [archangels] Gabe and Mikey when I thought, ‘Shit, you know how I can capitalize on this momentum? Extend the hours of the best burger shop in Evanston. That’s how.’ Thus, my latest miracle was born.”
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
When asked about his motivation for bulking up the hours at his legendary burger joint, chef Eddie “Edzo” Lakin claimed that it really did feel like divine intervention. “I can’t really explain the process of what happened,” he said. “It was like some kind of a spirit or something was moving within me . . . I can’t say I’ve felt anything like it since I made my first burger. Strange.”
“Yeah. Right here. Totes me in all of that,” said God, throwing a little salute down to the chef that He made in His image, just like the rest of man.
“Can’t say that I surprised myself with this one,” continued the Heavenly Father. “I’ve just been on fire these past few weeks, and so at this point I really expected to pull something totally kickass out of my hat. Like a big slam dunk after the initial alley-oop, dig?”
“You could say it was pretty Jordan-esque of me,” the Omnipresent One added.
Follow-up reports indicate that God plans to continue His run of positive moves, with rumors swirling that He might “take care of that pesky Tebow guy pretty soon.”