“Frankly, we at Nature Valley find this behavior a violation of our product, and Torrey’s eating habits in no way reflect the kind of consumer we wish to attract,” said John Baringer, president of public relations at Nature Valley. “Seriously, what a goddamn ape.”
Articles by Tyler Daswick
In a voice as frigid and unwavering as a February breeze off Lake Michigan the young man declared, “Make it with egg whites.”
“I thought this would be a fun way for us to reconnect and catch up!” said Peer Advisor Jeanine Houston, whose outward enthusiasm in no way reflects the horrible sense of clinging despair she feels at the prospect of this idea being an absolute piece of shit.
Sources indicate that Goldsmith is currently holding his phone in his hands, weighing the prospect of a healthy conscience against the insufferable high-pitched tone of his mother’s joyful exclamations.
Attached to the bag was a yellow post-it note reading: “Hang onto this for a while. Thx. –Momma.”
Reports indicate that the piece-of-shit individual showed up to the rink alone, put on his very own pair of ritzy, showy ice skates, and proceeded to parade around like a giant pompous asshole.
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
At first, Sanger was pleased with the amount of attention his carved swastika was receiving, but when he realized the reviews and comments about his art were consistently negative, his excitement quickly gave way to disappointment.
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.