EVANSTON — Five months into the academic year, McCormick freshman Phillip Goldsmith is beginning to consider the idea that he might want to call his family back in upstate New York.
“I don’t know, it just kind of seems like something I should do,” said Goldsmith. “It didn’t even cross my mind in fall quarter, but now that I really think about it, I might want to check in with my folks.”
Goldsmith himself has failed to answer no less than forty-three calls from his family since classes began in October, citing instances such as “a shit-ton of work,” “a pretty intense game of Starcraft,” and “finding a website that Photoshops Jennifer Lawrence’s face onto porn-stars.”
Paul and Angie Goldsmith, parents of the disconnected and distracted young adult, insist that their son is simply a victim of Northwestern University’s rigorous curriculum. “Little Philly has always worked so hard,” said Mrs. Goldsmith. “We’re sure he’s just busier than he’s ever been. He simply doesn’t have the time to worry about little ol’ Mom and Pop.”
“All the same, we do wish we could let him know that his dog died,” she added.
Additionally, Goldsmith’s lack of correspondence with his family has left him in the dark on his younger sister’s acceptance into the University of Pennsylvania, as well as his grandparents’ desire to visit him on campus.
“Who? Grandma Jean?” asked the college student who wrote his admissions essay on how much he valued his traditional home-style upbringing. “Like I want to hear about the latest fucking bingo game down at the nursing home—gimme a goddamn break.”
Sources indicate that Goldsmith is currently holding his phone in his hands, weighing the prospect of a healthy conscience against the insufferable high-pitched tone of his mother’s joyful exclamations.
As of press time, the decision had been made. “Ah, fuck it, I’ll do it. I need some cash anyway,” said Goldsmith.