New Pledges Excited to Begin Process of Labor, Peer Pressure, and Borderline Torture

EVANSTON — As freshmen across campus dropped bids for fraternities and sororities, they expressed excitement, eagerness, and anticipation at the prospect of beginning the quarter-long descent into the exploitative hell that is the pledge process.

“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”

“The pledge process is a really transformative time,” explained Weinberg junior Terry Carson. “It’s when you really go from being a fresh-faced, blissfully ignorant freshie to a dependent, overeager little brother. I’m really excited for these guys.”

The sorority scene also sees these next few weeks as critical to the maturity and growth of the sisters-to-be. “When these girls enter our chapter, we want them to understand themselves more fully than ever before,” said Weinberg senior Jill Jacqueline. “That means Cindy [Ferguson] is finally going to learn how to wash her hair, and Sally [Sanders] is going to figure out that her true potential lies down a path of dieting, exercise, and heightened fashion sense.”

“I can’t wait to see them blossom into the people I want them to be,” she added cheerfully.

This Hellenic rite of passage will not only ensure that each pledge becomes groomed to the standards of their Greek organization, but it will also help the whole pledge class find a common bond under which they can all suffer. Such bonding rituals include the infamous “Body Shop” routine, the ever-faithful “Night of a Thousand Pounds,” and the always-a-crowd-pleaser “Chuckin’ and Fuckin’ Showdown.”

“I can tell you right now,” said Janson, sitting in the dorm room that he will later be kidnapped from in the dead of night, “This is definitely going to bring us together. I know I’ll come to treasure these guys.” He looked out the window, completely ignorant of the fact that in just eight hours he will be forced to climb through that very same pane of glass.

“It’s the most wonderful time of year,” affirmed Jacqueline. “Seeing the class come together as we make them bend to our will. It’s inspiring. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make sure the Bitch Stick is ready.”

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