Campus police report that girl code infractions have spiraled beyond the brave forces’ physical and emotional capabilities.
“Before I just knew her as ‘Jessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-that-house-with-pink-curtains,’ not to be confused with ‘Jessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-the-house-kinda-near-Willard.’”
“THE UNANOINTED SHALL BE BROUGHT FORTH UNTO US FOR JUDGEMENT. THEIR TORMENT IN LIMBO WILL SEE THEM REWARDED SO SAYETH ASMODEUS, RUSH CHAIR.”
“The subjectivity of the selection process as it exists today endorses the objectification of women. Weigh-ins will help give us a more objective way of judging recruits, hopefully leveling the playing field.”
After an intense Yik Yak fight with the cross-recruiting bastards at Sherman Ave, the bid lists for Flipside fraternity Tappa Tappa Keg and corresponding sorority Delta Delta Delta Delta were leaked today.
Diary, please don’t judge me. I’m just soooo frakin nervous! Like, what if they don’t like the color of my hair, or the style of my clothes… Or the fact that my left boob is 3x bigger than my right boob!
If she had eaten one more, she would have been thrown out in her underwear.
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.
EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a…