Author Archives: Michael Guenzl

2013 Sorority Recruitment to be Run by USSR

EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a few times to look over her shoulder for undercover sorority members. Feldman later tried to complain to her friends about the rigid and ridiculous nature of the event, but she was snatched away by mysterious women in black ski masks before her sentence could be

Residential Hall Election Results Unofficial Until Jeb Bush Has Access to Them

EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!” Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done