EVANSTON — After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.
“Those guys think they’re so cool and funny,” said Bottomsworth, referring to the fraternity who strung him along for four nights like a pathetic little puppet. “Just because they have a big stupid house with a hundred stupid rooms in the big stupid fraternity quad doesn’t mean a kid like me doesn’t belong.”
Bottomsworth reflected that even though he totally doesn’t care what those jerkie-werkie barf-brains think, maybe if he had talked more about his Yu-Gi-Oh expertise or his intense knowledge of the expanded Star War universe, he might have had a better shot at joining the super-duper dude-group. Sources can confirm that this is false.
“Brandon? Man, that guy was weird,” said BBB president Jerry Johns, who must be a big pee-pee head for failing to understand Bottomsworth’s vast potential as a man and brother. “We wouldn’t let him join in a million years.”
“We probably should have told him sooner, but he kept bringing money because he thought he had to pay for the food, so we let it slide,” Johns added.
This is only the latest difficulty in a string of hard knocks for Bottomsworth, as he was already rejected from the poo-poos at The Daily Northwestern, the doodie-heads in the Happiness Club, and even the turd-faces in the marching band.
Bottomsworth wasn’t even mad one tiny little bit, either. “I can get along just fine without their pukey-gross rush shirt, and I bet that they don’t even have the new Wii game. They would all be bad at it if they did have it, because they’re such a bunch of big poop-sauce idiots,” he said.
Andrew Andes, vice president of the big poop-sauce idiots and captain of the man-club’s intramural basketball team, also failed to see how cool Mr. Bottomsworth was. “He literally just sat on our couch talking about trading cards the whole time, and I thought I saw him wipe a booger on our table. You couldn’t pay me to give him a bid.”
Sources confirmed that Andes is probably the biggest poop-head of them all. The king of Poop-Head Island, in fact. The big poop-head.
At press time, Bottomsworth was marching off to have dinner alone, because all the toilet-faces in the frat quad probably have cooties anyway.