WASHINGTON — Over 250,000 American citizens have signed a petition to deport Justin Bieber to Canada, sending the fate of the teen heartthrob to the desk of President Obama.
The petition argues that Bieber, in his angsty fit of drug abuse, reckless driving, and general adolescent debauchery is “an unethical virus being injected in the veins of our nation’s innocent youth” and therefore should “be expelled from our utopian society.”
Hastily commissioned research supports the notion that Canadians are instinctively friendlier than their American counterparts. Therefore, it is the duty of the Northwestern Flipside, or at least this reporter, to urge President Obama to keep Justin Bieber on American soil.
When Justin Bieber ventured from his Canadian homeland to America, he was a swishy haired, inescapably cute fourteen-year-old boy, who vowed to “give you everything you need, down to [his] last dime.” But since his debut in 2008, Bieber has become the poster child for Hollywood backwash. The only reasonable conclusion is that America has turned this sweet little bottle of maple syrup sour.
The average American child spends approximately 3.25 more hours in time-out per month than all Canadian youth combined. American parents control their spawn with leashes and Ritalin, rather than the Canadian standard of hugs and hot coco. The problem is not just in the home. In American public schools, the children who contributed least to their teachers’ wine cooler and Ben and Jerry’s addiction are given “Citizenship Awards.” In Canada, no such institution exists because every student is a model citizen, only distressing their teachers when they sweetly wave goodbye at the end of the academic year.
Therefore, the Northwestern Flipside urges President Obama to consider which youth needs saving. We recognize the pressure you are likely receiving from your youngest daughter, who has reportedly threatened to “flip a shit if Daddy sends Justin away,” but the damage is already done. Keep the issue contained and save the Canadian youth. It’s too late for our own.