CHICAGO — At approximately 11:34 A.M. local time, Chicago PD received an emergency call about a situation at Water Tower Place. The 911 caller, who withheld his identity, confirmed that an armed celestial being was seen flying through Water Tower Place, firing its weapon at civilians.
Multiple witnesses confirmed that at around noon, people were seen screaming and running from the shopping center.
Police were on site within three minutes of the 911 call. Despite their response time, early reports indicate that the assailant shot at least eleven people before the police were able to chase the alleged attacker out of the building.
Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy spoke about the ongoing investigation. “We don’t know much at this point. It appears that the suspect was armed with some sort of psychological weapon. We have never encountered anything like it and we don’t have a motive. I can’t say much more, just that we will find the attacker and bring him or her to justice.”
Gary Elfurd, an on-site EMT, commented on the state of the victims. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. People who have never met before today are all lovey-dovey with each other. Like Lucy here, clearly a nine, is enthralled with Bill over there, and he’s barely a four. It just ain’t right. I’ve tried to reason with them, but even waterboarding didn’t help. I’m at a loss.”
Georgio Fratelli witnessed the attack. “It was terrifying. One minute I was building a spaceship at The Lego Store and then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It looked like… an angel. First I thought it was the LSD but then I remembered that I wasn’t on LSD. It had a weapon that looked like a bow and arrow. That’s all I saw from behind the life-size Darth Vader sculpture made entirely of Legos.”
Police are encouraging citizens to stay indoors as the suspect is still at large. “We’ve scrambled together two F/A-18s and five armed drones out of Scott Air Force Base. Until the suspect is caught, no one is safe.”