ANN ARBOR, MI — University of Michigan sophomore Kyle McIntosh’s life was changed for the better this week when he read a motivational poster hanging in the math department. The poster pictured a student looking determinedly at a sunset and the words “Responsibility. Take it.”
“I had been planning to slack off the rest of my time here,” said McIntosh. “At least until someone dictated my essays, talked me through my exams, and filled out my internship applications on the Career Center job portal. But when I saw that sign, I realized I need to take responsibility for my own life.”
After the sign made McIntosh completely reevaluate the direction his life was headed, the computer science major decided to empty his fridge of all alcohol and give up recreational drugs. “Would someone looking into a sunset want to lower their inhibitions or alter their state of mind? No!” said McIntosh. “That guy there is going places. And I’m going to be just as successful.”
Preliminary reports indicate that the sign had been affixed to the wall by the third-most-recent math department administrative assistant, Shirley Jenkins, in 2004. While Jenkins was tragically killed during an attempt to feed popcorn to a lion at the Lincoln Park Zoo in 2008, her family is touched to hear that her legacy lives on.
“She was always saying things like that,” said her daughter, Cindy Jenkins. “‘Smile, it’s contagious. Believe in yourself; you’re stronger than you think. One life, one chance, no regrets. The best is yet to come.’ God, I hated her.”
While Cindy’s sister Clara agrees that her late mother was definitely “a total moron,” she also says it’s nice that her poster inspired a young man to turn his life around. “She’d say, like, ‘A bend in the road is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn.’”
As of press time, McIntosh was currently marveling at the revelation that he isn’t assigned grades; rather, he earns them.