Area Man Changes Password from “1234” to “password” in Response to Heartbleed

EVANSTON — In response to the Heartbleed virus, area man Gill Phenylsworth reportedly made the sage decision to change the passwords for all of his bank accounts, social networking sites, and FarmersOnly dating profile from “1234” to “password.”

“I was scrolling through the Buzzfeed article ‘23 Ways to Protect Your Stuff from the Heartbleed Hackers,’ and number eleven listed the seven most-used passwords,” commented Phenylsworth. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when lo-and-behold the most-used-password was the very one that I used to protect all my accounts! I stopped reading the article then and there and immediately went to work on creating a new password.”

Sources say that Phenylsworth considered many different passwords before settling on “password,” including “(one spacebar), pass word, (two spacebars), 255-63-5203, and 12345.”

“I can’t believe that none of my accounts were hacked by people guessing my password. My mind is much more at ease knowing that my FarmVille account is safe. If I’d lost my virtual pig Wilbur Jr., I just don’t know what I would have done.”

Also, on the off chance that he forgets his password, Phenylsworth has created an elaborate, ten-step safety net that will remind him of his password. This consists of placing 36 sticky notes strategically throughout his apartment with the word “password” written on them, changing his ringtone to “my password is password” (to the tune of La Cucaracha), and writing the word “password” in lamb’s blood above his bed.

About the Author

Brian Capella
Brian's favorite kind of tree is Red Pine, because he likes to break the needles in half and imagine that he is a powerful giant. Additionally, he can proudly say he has never seen a movie in his life. Brian graduated from Harvard with a B.A. in theology in 1679, and then received his M.A. in accordion playing. At Harvard, Brian spent his time rowing down the Charles with his lover Dave Matthews softly caressing his cheeks as they floated. Brian's favorite Ghostbusters character is the Stay-Puft Man. Nowadays, Brian spends his time stuffing his shirt with ice while watching Season 2 Episode 5 of Gilmore Girls on repeat.

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