Area Third Graders Eager to Contribute to Gross Output Indicator

PALATINE, IL — Hedge fund managers, economics professors, suburban dads, and the remainder of the Wall Street Journal’s readership base all scratched their chins with a little extra thought while reading Friday, April 25th’s edition of the paper, following the Bureau of Economic Analysis’s historic release of the “Gross Output Indicator.” Most excited about the new measure for manufacturing production and economic growth prospects, however, was Mrs. Seaman’s 3rd grade class at Stuart R. Paddock elementary school in Palatine.

“It makes me sad when I see grown ups upset about the economy,” said 7-year-old Timmy Williamson. “And I’m just so excited that now I can help! Yesterday I found a bologna sandwich in the bottom of my knapsack from October and I hid it Clare Thompson’s cubby. That has to be an at least 3 basis point improvement. I had to go the principal’s office, but now I’m sure it was worth it.”

“Timmy also has cooties!” yelled Ms. Thompson.

“Yeah, he has the potential to be a real job creator,” added Susie Lane, another pupil and Ms. Thompson’s second best friend besides Jenny O’Meara.

Their other classmates were equally eager to see how their day-to-day activities would improve overall economic welfare in the United States. Many referred to a recent survey by the Pew Institute where 82% indicated they’d picked their nose recently, 74% said they’d picked a scab, and 22% reported having eaten a bug or worm intentionally in the past 60 days.

“When it comes to Gross Output, Paddock is a hotbed for economic growth,” Freddy McNamara, 5th grade class treasurer, told The Flipside. “My dad and Mr. Feldman next door keep asking, ‘What’s going on in the manufacturing sector? Where’s the value added?’ and I’m saying it’s here! You want value added? My little brother caught two frogs during recess yesterday and hid them in his pockets all afternoon.”

Mr. McNamara’s only concern with Paddock’s role in the US economy was what he called the “Spring Bug Bubble.” “Hallway C, where the 5th grade classrooms are, is seeing a huge rise in trades for insects, worms, slugs, and snails right now. Prices are rising, which is great for the kindergartners we have catching them, but I’m worried about what’s going to happen during mosquito season. I just don’t know if the corporations can buy bug spray and stay profitable.”

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