EVANSTON – Last weekend, a small selection of Northwestern’s finest technological minds descended on Norris Center for what was dubbed “RedesignNU,” or “Hackathon.” This weekend activity was put on as a collaboration between NUIT – the group behind major internet breakthroughs such as Caesar and campus-wide WiFi outages – and ASG – an obscure team of bureaucrats known for ruthlessly and gleefully murdering the financial aspirations of scores of student groups.

In a double-cross scam orchestrated by ASG President Julia Zorn to make Northwestern’s technological services actually work, employees of NUIT were locked in a dark room with disguised and protected members of the student body. NUIT employees were under the impression that they would be given access to vital pieces of computer code in order to better the information systems of Northwestern. The other students in the room believed they would be granted large pieces of lumber with which to pummel those responsible for the infamous Blackboard outage of April 27.

Instead, both NUIT workers and anonymous hackers were subjected to twenty-four grueling hours of collaboration under the sadistic supervision of Dr. Patricia Telles-Irvin, Vice President of Student Affairs. The hackers were charged with teaching the NUIT staff how to properly use a computer, starting with basic functions like adjusting the volume and plugging in a keyboard.

After successfully teaching the staff what Internet Explorer is and why they shouldn’t use it, teams were given the opportunity to create a new piece of software to benefit the Northwestern student body. After working for many hours, teams were proud to present a crudely built knockoff of a popular middle-school app–Formspring.Me– specialized for people to submit what they love most about Northwestern.

“I think it was a raging success,” declared Zorn. “Now that we’ve fixed the Internet our next item of business is helping Sodexo workers learn to fully bake the cookies often served on Friday nights.”

Dr. Telles-Irvin could not be reached for comment as the WiFi was down, blocking all email correspondence.