Student Discovers New Use for Laptop Computers

EVANSTON – After months of research, McCormick sophomore Ryan Banks released a statement revealing a discovery that laptops could be used in classes to take notes.

Nearly every student has, at one point, used a portable computer in a lecture hall. Laptop usage is necessary in class for essential tasks such as playing 2048, iMessaging with sorority sisters, and Facebook stalking other people in the class.

Ryan Banks’s research suggests that while all of these activities stand as plausible uses, laptops can also be valuable for the educational experience. Using a program called Microsoft Word, commonly used to organize messes of bullshit into gradable paragraphs minutes before paper deadlines, he managed to record approximately 40% of the important information the professor spoke out loud in the fifty-minute class time. In the following days, he increased that number to 65% while also copying ~45% of the information on the PowerPoint slides.

“Mr. Banks just revolutionized the entire education process,” proclaimed President Morton Schapiro. “All this time we’ve been underestimating just how useful those newfangled computer things can be. Next thing you know, we’ll have a [fully-functioning] website where students can pick their classes by themselves.”

This is only the most recent of a whole list of developments made by Ryan Banks. In the past few months, he was repeatedly seen actually doing homework in 1 South of Main Library. He also discovered that by sharing a table in Tech Express with another person, patrons could double the café’s occupancy. In the future, he looks to improve campus salad bar experiences by implementing an assembly line system instead of the current stand-in-one-place-and-grab-things system.

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