The Truth about Northwestern Skunks

EVANSTON — It’s clear that Northwestern and the surrounding community have a major infestation of skunks. These critters can be seen on a nightly basis wandering around the streets of Evanston. But why are they here? What do they want from us? After an extensive investigation, it appears that we have discovered the true reason behind the rise in the skunk population: medical marijuana.

When people think of skunks, the first thing that comes to mind is the smell. It’s common knowledge that skunks just reek. However, what people smell may not actually be coming from the skunks themselves. Bobby Ganja, an investigative reporter for The Flipside, disguised himself as a skunk and infiltrated their community to discover the truth. “Everyone knows that skunk smell bears a strong resemblance to weed smell, and I wanted to discover the possible connection between the two,” Bobby explained.

Skunks, in actuality, are undoubtedly the biggest stoners in the animal kingdom. It turns out that marijuana smoke does not smell like skunks, but rather skunks just smoke lots of marijuana and the scent lingers in their fur. “When you think about it, this actually explains a lot of skunk behavior,” Bobby added. They’ll literally eat anything (even garbage), they wander around like they have no idea where they are going, and they get frightened very easily, resulting in the passage of gas.

The question then arises, why did the skunks choose Evanston? Well, earlier this year the city of Evanston approved the possible construction of a medical marijuana dispensary on Maple Avenue. This is a major attraction for the skunk population, many of whom possess prescriptions to treat their glaucoma.

“This is a groundbreaking discovery in the area of zoology,” Ganja stated. “We now have a far greater understanding of skunk behavior.  The city of Evanston should welcome the skunk population with open arms, as they will stimulate our local economy.” While this last point may be a cause for debate, Taco Bell has reported a 300% increased in revenue since the skunks’ arrival.

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