Privileged Fuck has Summer Plans All Figured Out

EVANSTON—Early reports surfaced today indicating that privileged fuck Eric Beltran, WCAS ’16, has his summer plans all figured out while you are no closer to securing an internship than you were before you started binge-watching Friends.

“I’m so excited to say that I’ll be an intern at Goldman Sachs in New York this summer!” Beltran announced on Facebook earlier this morning, probably with that annoying self-satisfied smile on his face that for some reason makes all the girls love him.

Beltran, who’s definitely never had to actually work a Goddamn day in his life, explained his excitement when reached for comment. “This summer internship is the perfect stepping stone to the consulting job I’ve always wanted!” he said, oblivious to the fact that not everyone’s parents can coddle a future fucking investment banker straight from the cradle.

When you were reached for comment you weren’t aware that you were being reached for comment because you were at a really exciting part of Marvel’s Daredevil and you had to turn the volume up to drown out the sound of you chewing your crunchy Cheetos.

Beltran’s Facebook post received 138 likes, with various friends commenting “omg congrats!!!” and “wow soooo cool,” because apparently the hottest trend these days is to bow at Eric Beltran’s altar of entitlement.

At press time, it wasn’t clear what the handsome fuckboy had to say about the students on this campus with no fucking idea what they’re doing for three straight months (See: Yourself). Oh shit, it’s almost May… Where can you apply to be a lifeguard again? Fuck.

One comment

  • Ben

    Investment banking jobs aren’t handed out by pedigree. I get that this is satire, but the point of satire is to point out something true, not to insult the hard work of people who succeeded in getting jobs like this, many of whom do not come from privelage. This article is aimless and shortsighted.

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