George R.R. Martin Kills Off Clayton Thorson

EVANSTON – Northwestern starting quarterback Clayton Thorson was found dead on Wednesday in his room on Bobb. Sources are reporting Thorson’s roommate found his body and called the police at approximately 7:35 PM, Thursday evening. Cause of death is unknown at this point in time, though some sources are reporting that when his body was removed, Thorson’s head was not actually attached to his neck.

George R.R. Martin, who came in town on Wednesday, is the prime suspect in the killing, according to the Evanston Police Department. Known for his penchant for untimely and unnecessarily gory deaths on his hit show, Game of Thrones, Martin was taken into custody after students expressed concern that they had seen a large, lurky man roaming the halls of Bobb Thursday evening, saying “Clayton Thorson” under his breath.

Evanston Police Commissioner Joe Jones, who interviewed the unnerving author, looked visibly shaken when speaking to reporters, claiming that he had “never seen such pure, untamed bloodlust” in the eyes of another man before.

At press time, Northwestern Coach Pat Fitzgerald was frantically preparing Zach Oliver after receiving a threatening note saying he would go the way of Ned Stark if the team did not beat Penn State on Saturday.

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