Area Student Disturbed by Lack of Stress in Life

EVANSTON – Northwestern student Justin Bentley, WCAS ’18, recently posted on his Facebook wall that he’s “disturbed by the lack of stress in his life” and has “never really felt like he fit in” at such a high-stress institution.

After his regularly scheduled Tuesday phone call with his mother and his daily teatime with his girlfriend of five years, he sat down for an interview with The Flipside.

“Everyone around me seems to be falling to pieces, so I can’t help but think there must be something wrong with me,” he said, dejected. “There’s just so many hours in the day. I always have time to complete my homework five days in advance, attend four meetings a day, and sing my baby sister to sleep on the phone. I even give my girlfriend a nice, long, gentle fuck every night. I really just can’t comprehend why everyone seems so frustrated all the time. Is there something wrong with me?”

Junior Matt Pinsky, WCAS ’17, best friend of Justin, showed up late to the interview, running straight from the “worst midterm of his life” to answer our questions. “Justin’s always asking me what stress feels like while he just meditates on the floor of my apartment,” Matt said. “One time I even saw him googling the word ‘stress.’ I honestly can’t decide if I want to strangle the guy or marry him.”

Although Justin has considered a walk-in session at CAPS to ease his lack of stress, the executive director has reportedly emailed him asking him to please not visit CAPS for fear of infecting clients with SHD (Seasonal Happiness Disorder).

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