SOURCE: Hillary Hazes Pledged Delegates

U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton addresses supporters at the Electric Park Ballroom in Waterloo, Iowa January 11, 2016. REUTERS/Aaron P. Bernstein - RTX21X9X

INDIANAPOLIS – According to a statement released earlier today by Bernie Sanders’ campaign, Hillary Clinton, the 2016 democratic frontrunner, has been hazing her pledged delegates.

The delegates to this summer’s Democratic National Convention, who have pledged their support to Clinton as a result of her primary and caucus performances, have allegedly been forced to undergo physical and psychological trauma in order to prove their loyalty to Clinton.

“Not just anyone gets to be a delegate for Hillary Rodham Clinton. These pledges need to show that they have what it takes to win me the Democratic nomination,” the former Secretary of State allegedly said as she brandished a wooden paddle with the phrase “Ready for Hillary” inscribed on it.

One pledged delegate from New York was reportedly chained to a radiator in Clinton’s Brooklyn campaign office and forced to recite general election poll numbers in between shots of vodka, while another delegate from Ohio was allegedly required to memorize all of Clinton’s pantsuit combinations in between bites of a charred Trump Steak.

“All of Clinton’s other campaign staff and delegates had to go through this, so I guess I just have to go through it too,” Illinois delegate Todd Donovan reportedly said with a branded Clinton campaign logo visible on forearm skin.

At press time, a spokeswoman for the Office of Candidate Conduct said the department was looking into the allegations and would decide to recommend a punishment if deemed necessary.

About the Author

Michael Miller
Michael Miller is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he wrote a thesis on the merits of Dippin' Dots. It was wildly unpopular in the scientific community, as most readers preferred Fro-Yo. He enjoys salad with grapes, but without the salad parts, and the grapes are fermented. He enjoys glasses of wine. The most shocking part of Michael's life is that he is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Michael hopes to one day open a Dippin' Dots stand in Busch Stadium sot hat he can provide The Ice Cream of the Future to his brothers in red.

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