Fraternity to Move Thursday-Night Rapes to Off-Campus House

Following the recent allegations from university officials about sexual assaults in named and unnamed fraternities that involved the use of date rape drugs, fraternities have taken drastic actions to show their support for victims, including moving regularly-scheduled programming such as mixers and Thursday-night rapes to off-campus houses.

“The university cannot be a party to this deviant and disgusting behavior,” remarked Vice President for Student Affairs Patricia Telles-Irvin. “We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus.”

Local fraternity brother Mark Struman has decided to view the recent change as a positive. “Although some people have been complaining about how IFC’s decision to suspend parties and mixers may have overcompensated by painting all the rapey organizations with the same brush, I think it’s an overall positive to move sexual assault off campus.”

There still exist widely held concerns about the conduct of fraternities on-campus, but most administrators and student organizations agree this is a step in the right direction, that direction being just a little bit west.

About the Author

Brian Capella
Brian's favorite kind of tree is Red Pine, because he likes to break the needles in half and imagine that he is a powerful giant. Additionally, he can proudly say he has never seen a movie in his life. Brian graduated from Harvard with a B.A. in theology in 1679, and then received his M.A. in accordion playing. At Harvard, Brian spent his time rowing down the Charles with his lover Dave Matthews softly caressing his cheeks as they floated. Brian's favorite Ghostbusters character is the Stay-Puft Man. Nowadays, Brian spends his time stuffing his shirt with ice while watching Season 2 Episode 5 of Gilmore Girls on repeat.

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