It saddens me as I walk down the street to see so much wasted potential, so much mass un-gained. Of course, I’m sure there’s other ways to be a good person but nothing beats the sweet euphoria of feeling every vein pop off your body after pushing and pulling heavy things. I mean, have you ever seen a picture of Jesus where he wasn’t absolutely shredded? Everyone knows that your body is a temple and that the best way to achieve true spiritual bliss is to stuff that temple with as much creatine and whey protein as physically possible. If you’re not coughing up protein powder after every meal you probably have some moral failings. It’s just the truth.
I just want anyone reading this to know that while education is a noble goal, the six hours I spend every day at the gym make me objectively a better person than you. When I go home and crush a raw-egg-peanut-butter-steak-shake in order to meet my macros, a light shudder of pure fulfillment runs down my spine. You can’t get that if you spend all your day in a lab curing disease. Instead of studying for finals I deadlifted 500 pounds of textbooks and then ate them because I was carb-loading and I’m sure the library will understand. One time, I blew out every sphincter in my body trying to set a new record for squats. If that isn’t suffering for the good of the people, I don’t know what is.
It’s a noble life I live and while I swell with pride every time I see a new face at the gym, sometimes the doubts of the uninitiated “gains goblins” wear on my soul. You should never be able to look me in the eye and say you’re comfortable with your body if you’re not able to flex every muscle in a Terry Crews-esque show of power. I can’t fit into long sleeve shirts anymore. If you’re afraid of being judged for not being “swole,” let me assuage your fears. It doesn’t matter where you start. The only thing that matters is what flavor of pre-workout you put into your bright neon blender bottle.
At the end of the day, if this message convinces just one person to pick up some weights I will consider it a success. I will be proud to know that you’re making the world a better place, just like me. Oh, and follow me on Instagram for progress pics, motivational quotes, and Gorilla Gain© Brand Supplement deals.