In light of the recent flu outbreak on campus, Northwestern University Health Services sent out an email last Monday reminding sick students to rest up, drink lots of water, and cough extra loudly in Mudd Library.
Rafael Tilkins, head of student health, told Flipside reporters that the measure is “killing two birds with one stone,” since it addresses both the growing fear for campus safety as well as the concern that Mudd Library is becoming too pleasant for students who go there to do their homework.
“Obviously, our number one priority is for sick students to get healthy again,” he said. “But our number one, number ONE priority is for them to be as annoying as possible to everybody else they’re in a room with.”
When asked for her opinion, McCormick sophomore Jennifer Pear responded very enthusiastically.
“I was super relieved to get the health email,” she croaked between coughs. “At first, I assumed that it violated basic decency to loudly hack up phlegm next to a perfectly healthy student who’s just trying to write their history paper; but from now on, I plan to hack away!”
The email also contained an additional paragraph of instructions recommending Bienen students to time their loud throat clearing noises to sync up with the cannons in Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture.”
According to sources, Northwestern Dining Services has also issued a statement advising sick students with large backpacks to awkwardly block people from taking cups and utensils.