J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery

Scandal rocked the Illinois gubernatorial race last Thursday, as the state attorney general’s office charged Democratic candidate J.B. Pritzker with using funds from campaign donations for a jowl reduction surgery. The campaign allegedly paid a Chicago-area plastic surgeon approximately eight thousand dollars to remove excess jowl from Pritzker’s cheeks.

Rather than denying the expenditure, the Pritzker campaign attempted to justify it.

“It was all done to help the campaign,” said press secretary Jordan Abudayyeh. “J.B. has to speak for hours at a time at rallies and meet-and-greets, and the jowls were obstructing his mouth’s freedom of movement. Seriously, why don’t you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”

Fortunately for Pritzker, the majority of voters appear willing to overlook the scandal. In a recent poll, 68 percent of Illinois voters said they were “just glad [Pritzker’s] head will be less disturbingly spherical now.”

The report came in the midst of a bombshell news week for the election, as just a few days earlier, investigative journalists from the Chicago Tribune revealed that incumbent candidate Bruce Rauner never made it past the third grade.

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