Sex Offenders to Be Reintroduced to Community through Political Office

The political world showed that it believes in the power of rehabilitation this week, as top representatives from both parties said in a joint statement that they were committed to helping former sex offenders find their way back into society via political office.

“Washington D.C. is open to all,” the statement read, “be they rich or wealthy, white or Caucasian, or male or also male. “

While sexual criminals have always been welcome in politics, the rise of the #MeToo movement put Congress’s Assaulter Rehabilitation Program in jeopardy.

But Senators Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Susan Collins (R-ME), among other cosigners, allayed concerns of molesters worldwide and sent the message that they would under no circumstances be held accountable for their actions.

After celebrating for a solid hour and a half, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) sobered up enough to answer and receive questions from reporters. When asked about the effect this statement would have on victims of sexual assault, Representative Graham started humming “I walk the line” as he attempted to not make eye contact with any of the women in the room.

Pressed further for comment, Graham said, “I mean, the whole situation is pretty simple. I don’t care what a person did twenty or thirty or two years ago as long as they’ve repented. Who am I to deny sex offenders positions of power and public trust? All that matters to me is that they’re better people today.

“Oh, and that they vote Republican. That’s pretty important too.”

At press time, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was reportedly considering assaulting someone in order to better fit in with the executive and judicial branches.

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