Fraternity Brother Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who Won’t Come Forward at Least 35 Years From Now

Fraternity brother Grant Neill revealed Friday that broad reconnaissance had allowed him to identify the attendees at that evening’s party likely to stay silent about the event for several decades.

“Fraternities are a great way to get involved in philanthropy and meet other like-minded individuals,” Neill told reporters after completing a keg stand. “Sometimes, it’s important for philanthropists that people keep quiet about their good deeds. That’s why we try and keep everything that happens in our house on the DL, at least for like 35 years until literally nothing matters anymore.”

According to Neill and others familiar with the situation, things have been tough recently for the young men of his fraternity. Through a combination of factors, including the slow decline in acceptance of the “boys will be boys” excuse and the stellar deductive skills of the Northwestern administration, fraternities have recently been held responsible for their transgressions well within the statute of limitations.

“It’s been a tough year for people like me,” Neill said, “but as long as we take care to keep things under wraps long enough from here on out, we should be able to continue avoiding pretty much all accountability.”

Neill is a Legal Studies major, and hopes to pursue a career in constitutional law.

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