Dining Hall Now Offers a Slap Across Your Fucking Face With Raw Chicken Breast

In efforts to accommodate particular student’s dining restrictions, Northwestern dining halls will now offer a slap across your fucking face with a raw chicken breast.

The dining hall option has already been available for a few days, with the line for the trendy new food option full of curious students alike.

“I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be so… literal,” said Geoff Rawlins (WCAS ’20), who found the experience otherwise positive.

In a surprise endorsement, vegan interest groups applauded the move, releasing a statement that they “hope it teaches the little bitches a thing or two about ethical consumption.”

The move comes after the new dining service Compass merged with Pünchindafäce™, a transnational Swedish corporation that fuses gastronomic arts and sadomasochism.

Pauline Sardine, Compass marketing director, announced, “In order to ensure minimal student satisfaction, new staff workers have been hired with previous experience at the DMV, Comcast, and United Airlines.”

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