Due to Budget Cuts, Dog Therapy Has Been Replaced By A Ferret Named Keith

News broke earlier this week that dog therapy has fallen victim to budget cuts, and in its place Northwestern has purchased a “therapy” ferret named Keith to help boost student’s morale.

“We know this season is hard for everyone,” a Monday email from Northwestern Libraries said, “but we are certain that what Keith lacks in size, he makes up for in heart.

“If you don’t believe us, Keith has been certified lovable by the Wilmette Petsmart, making him almost a therapy dog.”

Provost Jonathan Holloway enthusiastically endorsed the move by the library’s Exam Relief program.

“Keith’s spirit animal is definitely a golden retriever, I mean he has four legs and fur …actually, who’s to say he’s not really just a very tiny dog?”

Holloway then began to wring his hands together like a scared child, and added “With this change, the deficit will surely be resolved in no time.”

Keith is said to enjoy scrambled eggs, cardboard boxes and long walks by the beach. Students who find biting and hissing therapeutic will be able to meet him on the Sunday before finals week at 2 p.m.

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