“We know this season is hard for everyone,” a Monday email from Northwestern Libraries said, “but we are certain that what Keith lacks in size, he makes up for in heart.”
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The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that…
Each “inquiry” was immediately transferred to the trash on President Morton Schapiro’s laptop, which he allegedly empties every two hours because he “likes the sound it makes”.
“She looks almost directly at me exactly once a class! It’s so hot, she’s totally hitting on me,” said clueless McCormick freshman, Alec Thatcher.
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasn’t stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
“He claims the buzzing soothes him, but the constant droning has barred me from sleep since this quarter started.”
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders,…
Premed student Charlie Nigam, WCAS ’20, was delighted and confused by a surprise phone call from Pat Fitzgerald, in which the head football coach told him the secret to passing his upcoming chemistry midterm was to wrap up and remember the fundamentals.