Op-Ed: No, Josh, I don’t have less friends because I’m a grammar geek…I have fewer friends

Yes, Josh-from-English-class, I am a grammar geek. I’ve been caught! Actually, you caught me! I hate passive voice. Additionally, Josh, being a grammar geek doesn’t mean I have less friends. It means I have fewer friends.

There is a difference. The word “fewer” is used for something you can quantify with an exact number; “less” is not. For example, I have fewer friends who treat me with less respect.

I can tell from your answers in class that you struggle with basic grammar, Josh. I’ve seen you misuse there/they’re/their. (Helpful tip: “There are lots of kids at school, but they’re not my friends because they still have their self-respect.”) However, my being a grammar geek is no excuse for you to call me “less cool,” even though. But I’m happy that you said I was less cool; that’s the proper use of “less.”

Remember when you told the entire class, “She’s the grammar-obsessed person that’s a total loser?” Well, I’ve got news for you, Josh. You’re wrong! (Although you’d probably write “your wrong!” Ha, ha! Comedy gold!) I’m the grammar-obsessed person who’s a total loser. Although if that were a sentence in an essay, I’d suggest you take out the word “total.” It’s redundant.

You know what, Josh? Your grammar skills are lackluster, and you’re just jealous of me! (Note my proper use of your/you’re.) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to treat myself to much needed me time. The AP Stylebook won’t read itself.

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