New Drug Surfaces on Campus: “White Male Discussion Section Confidence”

For years the Northwestern student body prided itself on its widespread community of stoners and alcoholics. But recently, a new drug has entered the race.

“White Male Discussion Section Confidence,” better known on the street as “the devil’s advocate,” surfaced on Northwestern’s campus right around midterm season and has spread like wildfire. Studies have shown that the drug deludes users into thinking that their opinions on every subject should be broadcast to the whole world. 

Freshman Shania Thompson, Weinberg ’23, noticed that everyone in her Econ discussion section seemed to have extreme confidence in their contributions, regardless of how full of shit they were. Seeking this same high of thinking her take on fiscal responsibility mattered at all, she turned to devil’s advocate.

“After one pill, I found myself saying things like, ‘Just piggybacking on that thought…’ and ‘Not to be a contrarian here, but…’ in class. Me! I couldn’t believe it. Within weeks, my grade went up a whole letter!” said Thompson.

However, not all users experience the same effects.

“Yeah, I had some devil’s advocate last week,” admitted area white man Elvis Smith. “I don’t get what all the hype is about, I didn’t feel anything…”

At press time, race riots had taken over Northwestern’s campus when it was discovered that “devil’s advocate” also empowers users to say the N-word.

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