Dear Flippy,

One week ago, I finally hit a new max bench press (225 pounds). While I appreciate my buddy Keith smacking my ass and saying that I’m “yolked as shit, bro,” I find myself yearning for attention in other facets of my life. To solve this, I have been trying to interject my max bench press (102.058 kilograms) into casual conversation. However, I’m worried that my lift-related comments aren’t being received as they should be. How can I delicately work my max bench press (16.0714 Imperial stones) into conversations?

— Chad Digiorno

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Dear Chad,

You’re absolutely right! Your max bench press SHOULD be the center of every conversation. However, instead of simply telling your friends how much you can lift, show them! Try picking your friends up and loudly grunting as you do lunges around the room. Additionally, while at work, try spicing up staff meetings by stripping off your clothes and doing impromptu pushups. Ignore your coworkers begging you to put your clothes back on! Jealousy is often expressed through the cries of the weak. Besides, nothing says “alpha male” quite like busting out a killer chest workout in full view of your boss. Finish with a loud grunt, put on your clothes, return to your seat, and then calmly state your max bench press. You’ll be sure to impress!

— Flippy (max bench press 225.1 pounds)