I Prefer Meeting People the Old-Fashioned Way, by Hiding Inside the Hall Washing Machine Until Someone Needs to Use It

The first quarter on campus can be a tough one; you don’t know anyone’s name. You can barely navigate the campus. You forget to turn off your Zoom camera and accidentally let everyone in on your sweet morning dump. It is stressful. What should not be stressful is finding that special someone, and it’s as easy as cramming your six-foot scoliosis-ridden body into that dorm washing machine and waiting to be found.

Young love is precious. While it can be so easy to get lost in following every potential mate you meet on social media and liking all their posts on their account and liking all the posts on their dog’s account and liking all the posts on their secret onion ring review account—try and think of simpler times.

Long ago, our ancestors bided their time by their schools’ washing machines, riding out spin cycle after spin cycle in the hopes that their perfect match would need to wash their delicates and fill a void in their life too. Every child born in the twenty-first century can thank their lucky stars for the Electrolux model that brought them here today. Even Adam and Eve met by the washboard. True story.

You might call me old-fashioned, but I would call myself a romantic. Not only am I a nice surprise for one lucky so-and-so on laundry day, but I can smell like your choice of original, ocean mist or spring meadow depending on what tide pods Becca in 426 is using these days.

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